A Day in the Life of an RPG Villager

(Note to DQ fans: Please forgive the few factual errors.)

Setting: A small house in the little town of Frenor, in the world of
Dragon Warrior 4. A small
boy, Marin, and his mother, Mayna, are inside.

Marin: What a nice, sunny day. Can I go outside and play?

Mayna: Of course not, honey. Don't be silly. As I've explained to you
before, our little town is surrounded by monsters that could wipe you
out with little more than an inadvertent sneeze.

Marin: Aww! <grumbles> Why couldn't we have lived in Surene? All they
have to worry about are Red Slimes and those dumb grasshoppers. It's
like the farther you get away from Princess Alena's castle, the more
dangerous the monsters become. It's so weird.

Mayna: Of course, dear, but why don't you go play with a boy your age?
Or why not talk to Dad at work?

Marin: As best I can tell, I AM the only boy in this village! And every
time I try to talk to Dad at the weapon shop, he just gives me the same
spiel as everyone else. Maybe if I could get behind the counter I could
talk to him, but there's not even a door back there or anything. Makes
you wonder how he gets in.

Mayna: Well, sweetie, your father's a hard-working man. You have to
forgive him for not
recognizing you across that counter.

Marin: I know, but he never actually sells anything! What use do we
villagers have for Swords of Decimation and Shields of Strength? I've
actually only seen him make one sale, to some guy in blue armor. And why
is it that when he became a merchant, he suddenly got really fat and
started wearing nothing but green?

<Suddenly, the door opens, and a man enters the room, dressed in the
garb of a hero. Mayna instantly becomes stiff and begins walking in
random directions at intervals, moving nothing but her feet. Her path
inevitably leads her into a corner, where she continues to bump into the
wall.>

Marin: Oh, brother, not THIS again.

<The hero approaches Mayna, from behind. She immediately turns around.>

Mayna: Hast thou been to the castle of Endor? (YES/NO)

Hero: YES.

Mayna: It is a beautiful place, is it not?

<Though the hero does not speak, some action of his sets Mayna off
again.>

Mayna: Hast thou been to the castle of Endor? (YES/NO)

Marin: Mom, you just said that!

Hero: NO.

Mayna: The Castle lies far south of here. The King is holding a
tournament there, so I hear.

<Marin is boggled. The Hero walks to the family dresser, removes a Small
Medal, and walks out the door, at which point Mayna returns to normal.>

Marin: Mom!!! That stranger just walked in and stole my medal!

Mayna: Relax, darling. I'm sure he would have no way to put it back,
even if he wanted to.

Marin: And why is it that when anyone not from this village comes in,
you act all weird and ask them that stupid question about the Castle of
Endor? You've never been there in your life!

Mayna: I don't know either, dear. It's the funniest thing.

Marin <now hysterical:> Well, I'm sick of it! Something is wrong with
this village! All the women look exactly like you! There are a lot of
locked doors that nobody has a key to open! Everything sold here is more
expensive than we could ever afford! There are no toilets, and it never
rains or snows! It's just doesn't make sense! <screaming> AND SOMEBODY
TURN OFF THAT BACKGROUND MUSIC!!! I'VE HAD A CHANCE TO GET SICK OF IT
OVER THE COURSE OF TEN YEARS!!! <He runs out the door.>

Mayna <calling after him:> Remember to Parry, dear!

<Ten years later, in the village of Tempe. Marin has become the local
House of Healing
representative. A Hero stands before him.>

Hero: And then I fought a Red Slime. And then I fought a Kaskos Hopper.
And then I fought one of those, those things with the big tongues, oh
yeah, a Troglodyte. And then I spent 8 gold on a Medical Herb. And then
I cast "Heal." And then...

Marin <muttering to himself while furiously calculating experience
totals>: I HATE writing the Imperial Scrolls of Honor! Oh well, at least
the music is different here...

- 1998, Borongo - itullis@hmc.edu